And just like that, it was gone

In retrospect, I may have slightly overestimated my limit poker abilities. Fuck that, it was probably just bad luck carrying over from a crushing flyers defeat at the hands of the heartless buffalo sabres. Nothing more excruciating than an overtime hockey playoff loss, and this one may well have been fucking crippling. As Russell and I sat silently shocked from the result of the marathon skating session, we allowed the good people at OLN network to bring us the insiders word on the bull riding circuit. While it is in and of itself funny that hockey has been relegated from the fourth major sport to the 78th major network as a result of their short term hiring of Grabler within their promotions department, that wasnt the truly shocking thing about it. These sons of bitches were running Earth Day ads during bullriding. What percent of the viewing audience was in fact celebrating earth day? Is there some hippy farmer out there hitting around recycled beach balls with his pals while he cheers on his favorite cowboy? Once I came out of my haze long enough to recognize the tailspin my evening had become, I realized it was time to play some fucking cards.
I rolled out of the house with three big bills and headed to Ceasar’s poker room to meet my buddy Scalley. I found an open seat at a short handed 8-16 game and proceeded to get torn a new asshole by this table of sharps. It wasnt even close dude. Not only was I not getting cards, but the ones I did get I misplayed. I didnt hit a single fucking draw, didnt hit the flop on any of 3 ace kings, and never got a pocket pair over fives in about a three hour session. Moreover, these guys were makin moves at me like they were playing indian poker. I shat away my entire stake calling down with second best hands and playing out draws that barely had the right pot odds. When you slink away from that table broke, its hard not to want to take another run at them, but I decided that I didnt have the ammo.
For those of you who have never held a forward position in an arab desert, I think it needs to be made clear that when you run out of bullets you head to the fucking armory. So I sit down at a 25 dollar minimum blackjack table with a hundred bucks and a penchant for big cards. I end up shitting away 70 of it on 18s beat by 19s and a complete lack of pat hands. With my remaining thirty, I hit the roulette table and pumped the 21, 6, and 17 for ten bucks a pop. 12 red, 12 fucking red never did shit for nobody. So I threw twenty bucks in a slot machine promising double and triple possibilities, but by the time I had ran it down to a dollar twenty five, I was ready just to see a single time winner. In total I dropped 420, the very 420 I had won the night before at the mirage. Fuck Ceasar’s palace, with their togas and their numerals. The whole fucking place can be invaded by barbarians for all I fucking care.
Actually, I wanted to say that the whole fucking place could be conquered by whoever the fuck conquered rome, but when I went to look it up, shit only found theories. Your telling me we dont know why Rome fell? Shit seems ridiculous, we got guys think they know why the dinosaurs went extinct millions of years ago from their fossilized bones, but you archeological douchebags cant recreate the decline of a period that has a written record. Aparently there are some two hundred odd theories that describe the possibilities but their aint one unified front runner for how the shit really went down. That best not be the way America goes out. Our shit best go out swingin’. Couple thousand years from now when history classes are discussin the bloodthirsty and empirialistic americans, they better know exactly which space monsters came after our shits, and they better seek some fucking revenge. Thats the only thing I can be happy about from last night. I know the bastards that did this to me, and dont think I wont go back to that blackjack table and take back whats rightfully mine, you sons of bitches. Better gussy up those leaf laden tiaras your shits wear in your hair, cause Im comin for you.

And just like that, it was gone

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