Easter Egg Hunt

I could have been a detective in another lifetime, in fact I got a relative who retired as a decorated officer from the FBI. What Im tryin to say is, you cant hide an egg somewhere I aint gonna find it. Sorry dude, it just aint happenin. Not only do I have the reflexes of a jungle cat, but my peripheral vision is unparrelled by anyone not wearing sophisticated vision enhancement equipment, and my natural instincts for discovering dominant hidin spots has been compared to that of columbo. Oftentimes, I will pause in the middle of an egg hunt and annouce to the other gatherers, “Just one more thing…did anyone bother to check the mantle behind the bowling trophy?” I would then produce the dominant haul that had been hidden therin and try to accidentally hit their sullen faces with the juice from too many jelly beans being masticated in defiance. Basically, I aint never lost an easter egg hunt, and I dont see it happenin any time in the near future. You get an unbiased hider in an unbiased abode, and I guarantee victory, its like word searches and the next tetris for the nintendo 64, its foolish to even attempt competition. My buddy grabler tried to assemble a similar list of dominance, but when he would lead with thumb wrestling, no one took him seriously from there on out. Something of practical value for fucks sake, you worthless midget.
It all started at the age of 2 when I participated in my first official hunt. I crawled circles around my imbicile brother who didnt know up from down when it came to fake plastic dairy. Shit was loadin up and likely throwing the empty receptacles in the general direction of his crib space. The process repeated itself as I progressed to the ripe age of 8, at which point my 10 year old brother retired in disgrace, knowing he had never been able to and would never be able to compete. He turned instead to the concealment portion of the ordeal, and as I spied on him through hidden basement windows, I coughed down a couple deviled eggs and chuckled softly. Wouldnt you know, my cousins and even the adult participants who were later goated into battle couldnt keep up with the man who was inside his brother’s head. I continued to abuse my younger cousins abilities to decay their teeth, all the while letting them know that they would never be able to find as many eggs as me. At the age of 19 I was forced to tender my resignation against my will, and have not been able to compete since.
Despite my 6 year abscence, with only two months of cardio conditioning time I could be right back to my prime form. Due to the fact that I have been unable to undergo more than two days of such conditioning in any one month period, it may be time to lace em up for real and join the darkside. Today, thats just what I did. My buddy Chewchiba had been havin me middle man for him more and more as he hit a good run of cards at poker and was now supporting an unrelated pothead roommate’s habit as well. He was literally having me run shit out to him every other night, so the one time I bought double and hid half in his residence without his knowledge. He called me up to say “duuuuuuuuuude, I need another favor”, and I calmly responded “Look in the bottom drawer of the black dresser under the dominoes.” He acted like I had turned water into wine as he screamed “Whoooaaa” into the phone and parlayed his suprise into cacauphonous yet victorious laughter. The experiment was a success and it lined us up for the easter egg hunt to end all easter egg hunts.
Feeling the spirit of the season after winnin big at poker last night, I saw my guy about gettin some weight for my boy. I threw down for a straight ounce, and also purchased a twelve pack of plasic easter eggs, a brazen yellow easter basket, and four cadberry creme eggs that turned out to be their less inviting yet still delicious cousin the cadberry caramel egg. I then split the ounce into eight eighths placing each balled up ziploc bag into a plastic egg and sealing the contents. The remaining four eggs would serve as decoys each being filled with a caramel egg to disuade discouragement of their duped discoverer. I traveled to chewchibas four bedroom house and corralled himself and his roommates into the master bedroom while I went about the task of peppering his homestead with hidden goodies. After fifteen minutes of masterful hiding, I released the hounds and allowed them to try and find shit that they could never find. The rules are simple, any eggs he finds on his own he pays cost for, any egg he requires a hint for will be an additional 5 dollars, and any egg he cant find even with the hint with be an additional five dollars on top of that. As I hid, I made a list of the eggs by color and hiding spot, such that I could cross them off the list as they were recaptured.
There was an all out search initially because they were bone dry and desperately wanted to smoke. After unearthing the first decoy, Chewchiba gave a gutteral cry of valor before he realized hed been had. With his huntin fervor at an all time high, they discovered the orb hidden haphazardly under their box of dryer sheets and started actin like they had defeated the king. As if I didnt hide an easy one because I wanted to smoke on the comp as well, sucker. After leaving the battlefield to go home and watch the Sopranos, the text messages started to roll in telling me to cross soldiers off my duty roster. Shits found all three other decoys, as well they should given the ease of their hiding spots, but they also found a tough one hidden between the mattress and box springs of a bed. Regardless of their initial strong returns, I am confident that at least four remaining will require a hint, they are just hidden that well. The real fun will come when shits run dry again in a couple of days, and they will be in the unenviable position of being a pothead who knows that there is a multitude of pot in his midst, but being unable to find it. I suspect that at some point they will utilize power tools to dismantle that which lends structural support to their domicile in an effort to avoid the shame of admitting they need hints to take me down. The best there ever was, the best there will ever be, aint no shame in gettin beat by the best.

Easter Egg Hunt

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