Benjamin Franklin

Part 4 in our dominant and incompetant presidents on american currency. I know what you’re gonna say, dude wasnt even a president, well let me stop you before you even get started. Shut the fuck up. If benny boy had wanted the throne, shit was his for the takin. This foundin father best be given the respect he deserves, and you know damn well that he was more dominant than most of those bastards who held the oval office. The man invented electricity by flyin a kite in a thunderstorm and darin lightning to try to fuck with him. If our current president undertook a similar endeavor, his shit would end up with a key fried to his hand and hair that bordered on a profro(protestant fro). Franklin simply checked out his invention, and turned to an associate sayin “alright bitches, I did my part now make me a playstation.”
First off, there is no more dominant bill than the hundo. You know the shit, and I know the shit. You walk into a small town a try to pay for your wares with a c note, shits will prolly form a crowd tryin to sneak a peak. In poker rooms, what is the only cash that is allowed to play at a table? Correct answer, the fucking hundred dollar bill thats what. If you watch the big guns play a cash game, they’ll have packaged up piles of hundreds to throw in the pot in lieu of chips. When I worked at a sportsbook, if people hit on a long odds against parlay or they simply went large on a straight bet, they would ask to be paid out in “big bills”. What the fuck do you think I was takin out of my till? Its a big bill with a big man’s face on it, and dont you forget it. Thats the other thing, franklin was a fucking fatass. You look at all the other foundin fathers, and shits are svelt, borderin on athletic in build. Not our boy. He chunked it up, and wasnt afraid to have a few pints after takin care of the roast beast of the evening.
Franklin was a worldly sort, but he always had love for his adopted hometown of Philly. If you havent been high watchin a laser light show at the Franklin Institute’s planaterium, then you prolly have an irrational fear of lasers. Dude set up some shit before he died where he threw a thousand pounds in the bank to be held in trust for 200 years and used by the city of Philadelphia. Shits accrued to over two million, and has bettered the lives of his fellow philadelphians because thats how we do. He didnt do shit for the accolades and gettin his name out there like that grandstandin fuck Henry Hudson, he did it out of brotherly love. As one of the first outspoken abolishinists, and a defender of those indian tribes willing to yield to the white man’s religion, he was one of the first to purport the common rights of man regardless of skin tone.
Aside from all the politicin, shit found time both to write and invent. He got his start writing as an apprentice for his older brother at a newspaper. Shit went undercover as a middle aged woman to write a column under the name “Silence Dogood” when he was only sixteen years old. When his brother got wise, shit went on the lamb and founded a new paper in philly town. He went on to write the ever popular poor richard’s almanac, which shits all over current copycats like chicken soup for the soul or lifes little instruction book. He also produced an autobiography that set the standard for the field. Dude invented bifocals, a glass harmonica, the franklin stove, and the catheter aside from the obvious electricity that a frenchman later tried to take credit for. Next time your shits in a coma and they are able to evacuate your liquid wastes, shit best thank franklin for it.
In the heirarchy of dominance, Franklin set the American standard. He represented for his city, for his country, and for mankind in general. Realistically, shit should be inducted as a president posthumously the same way they let the negro league greats into the baseball hall of fame. Next time you have a good week and have sold ten dimebags, get you to a bank and exchange the shit for a mans bill. As you stare into the eyes of the massive man whose accomplishments are only overshadowed by his legacy, know that you are staring at a true american hero.

Benjamin Franklin

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