The Unprecedented Straddle Cap

It had been a while since I clocked in at the office that is the mirage 3/6 limit texas hold em game. Last time I had played, I got drunk and lost two bills at no limit, and since I had been saving for my trip to Amsterdam. I earmarked a portion of my most recent paycheck to invest in the lucrative Moultonian limit hold em system, and if I hadn�t redirected those funds to terrible NCAA tournament bets shit would probably have tripled my money by now. Instead, I had a hundred to blow, so me and my roommate Russell headed to the Mirage. He was ridin half a zanax, and a recent online win streak that has him thinkin he should turn pro. Confidence was high as we checked the list for our respective games of choice. My 3/6 was immediately available, but he had a short wait for the 6/12 game. To pass the time he went to play roulette.
I bought in for a hunny and headed to my seat. My table was pretty much what you expect out of a low limit game, a corner of old people playing tight enough to have sealed off their own coffins, and a band of drunken collegiate enthusiast hot off the afternoons NCAA games. I found a suited Q-6 in the blind and called a raise right off the bat. Flop came high card queen and when I bet shit was raised by the preflop raiser. I called the whole way and he showed down his pocket kings, knocking off 24 bucks from my rack first hand. I stayed out of a few hands, lost a few draws, and was down to about sixty bucks. Then I found pocket sixes, just calling preflop, but raising when the flop came 10-10-8. It was folded around to the last person with action and the guy who had beat me with kings leaned over to his neighbor all secretive like sayin �hes bluffin for sure� as he folded. Sure enough, dude called me down with a six/seven looking for his gutshot and as I dragged the pot I tapped the table and pointed at the old man who had talked out of turn sayin �Great read, I have to watch out for you.� I went after him a couple times raisin his blind with like K-7 suited and starin at him sayin �I am only bettin this because its your blind, Im definitely bluffin.� Shits were foldin around to me, and I was unhappy with the meager blinds I was taking.
After a few beats on overplayed hands, I was about even, when I found tens in the hole. Again I raised, this time under the gun, and told my elderly advesary that I was bluffin. He reraised me, after which I made it twelve and it was just the two of us. Despite overcards and straight draws, I bet into him the whole way and he just called. I flipped my two tens as he flipped his two nines and smiled. It was hard to continue hating him after he was so good natured about it, so I had to find a new target. As if ordered from the waitress, a hammered young go getter who later told me his name was Vinnie appeared at our table. After raising preflop on 4 out of 5 hands and taking a good size pot on one where he showed A-J hittin the ace, he started talking a lot of nonsense. He came out and said �Im the best player at this table.� I love starting the shit talk at a table, but far more I love it when someone starts it for me.
We went back and forth about how he could be so sure he was the best player at the table with me hinting at �would you say you are the best heads up player at the table, or only ring games?� Shit took a softer stance, but he was talking about how he played all sorts of limits up to the 60/120 game and how he had been surviving on poker for the past 3 and a half years living in vegas. I asked him whether he played in the series this past year, and he started backpeddlin about not havin the bankroll which is when I retorted �the best way to build a world series bankroll is playin 3/6 limit at the mirage�. Others at the table were either starting to warm up to our banter or growing increasingly angry with the back and forth. One uninvolved party questioned �why don�t you two just slap your dicks on the table and get this over with�. I admitted �that is not going to end up well for me, being that I have a tiny, tiny, penis, but if we stick to poker that chump is going to walk away broke.�
As we talked a poker game was swirling around us, but neither could get any big pots going. That�s when I went to the classic standby, the live straddle. When I straddled the first time, he laughed and said �You must be good, straddling like that. What a great dumb bet.� When everybody folded to my straddle, I picked up the four dollars blinds and proclaimed �this is a great dumb four dollars in my pocket. Too bad you weren�t strong enough to beat a random hand. It takes a big man to straddle, I understand that some people cant handle the swings. It doesn�t make you any more of a pussy than that guy(pointing to the guy next to me who had earlier declared himself a pussy for not being able to call a bet of mine)� From there, I started straddling every time I was under the gun, and dude decided he would match my straddles. Those who enjoyed our back and forth climbed on board and we had about 4 out of every 10 blinds being automatically straddled. The entire section of old people was priced out of every hand and were silently simmering, many of them leaving because it was too much action. When one such man exited the seat to my right, I suggested that he give me position on him, so that we could talk like men and he wouldn�t have to shout across the table into his neighbors� hearing aids. He did as told and the scene was set for an event that has likely never happened before at a three six table and will likely never happen again.
I convinced a row of four people to put in the unprecedented straddle cap. Vinnie straddled the big blind turning three to six, I straddled behind to make it nine, followed by a guy making it twelve, and the fourth to act going for the unprecedented blind five bet. Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadle Cap! Shit was fucking dominant dude. You should have seen the grimaces across the table from us. We were cracking up as people were put to a decision on fifteen bucks where they would only be allowed to bet 3 on the flop. When one of the old ladies called, we knew she had a big hand, but it was only six more to me and I had a ten four suited so fuck it. We drew a total of 5 callers, and what a fucking preflop pot. When the ace hit, and lady tightass raised, we knew shit was sunk, but I called down anyway with my pair of tens hopin for two pair or trips with the pot odds. Nothing came, and she scooped like a hundred and twenty dollars with her Ace Jack. Despite the crippling effect on my then built stack, it was worth every penny to go down in the record books. The straddling subsided from there, but as Russell got back from winnin 400 dollars in a sit and go, we decided to get our food comps and head home. I was only going to play around to my blind, but when I found ace nine, I decided to make my push. Everyone was hot to get at my loudmouth, so I got a lot of callers many of whom stayed when the flop came ace. Turn brought an ace and river filled me up nine, netting me a huge pot when my opponent(the aforementioned pussy to my left) showed ace jack. Rollin, rollin, rollin on the river. I cashed out up twenty and said my goodbyes, having made nice with my original nemesis vinnie, and he even talked about how he had an in with the dealers at the world series and that I could make like 15 grand for a couple months work if I had the chops. Had I not then blown my 20 winnings on a pony race, and 88 bucks on a villanova team that seemed like it was playin completely unaware of the line it was supposed to cover, it would have been a great fucking night. Straddle cap bitches, I defy you to complete one of your own.

The Unprecedented Straddle Cap

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