Shoeless Joe Jackass

So I got picked up by my brother Chuck around one AM philly time at the airport. From there, we cruised back to the Moulton residence where I was greeted by my sophoriphic parental units. I had to explain my life choices to them and hear why I was required to attend Harvard school of education in the fall. After fulfilling my family duties, it was still only about two thirty AM local time and half past eleven pacific, so there was no chance I was getting to sleep quite yet. I instead went downstairs to build my online bankroll, but before I could even sit at my first table, my brother had shown up with a friend in tow.

This dude was young, Arabic looking though likely no Arabic, and he was rocking all sorts of gear from my high school alma mater. For reasons that will be painfully obvious by the end of this tale, he will be referred to as Shoeless Joe Jackass. Joey had originally intended to watch the final table of the World Series of Poker which my brother had tivoed and Mr. Jackass had yet to view. After his introduction to me, and realization that I was a Vegas grinder, he started cracking wise like he was hot shit. Direct Quotes from him would include “I play in AC all the time, one time I was playing the one two no limit and I cashed in with one fifty, cashed out with six grand.” “Seriously dude, you don’t understand, I’m one of the best players in the world.” “Last time I was in Atlantic City people were stopping to take their picture with me.”

I immediately jumped all over his lies with my sarcasm and started asking leading questions like “I’m sure if you are one of the best in the world, you can beat a low limit scumbag. Ill bet you’ve never even seen AC, prolly got scared and stopped at the tollbooth.” I started to get under his skin, and that’s when I suggested we play a friendly game. He said he didn’t have much money, but when I suggested we play for pushups he was all for it. The chips and cards were reconvened on my living room floor as we set the parameters at 1-2 blinds no limit with a 100 chip rack. I took his shit out in literally two hands and stood over him screaming “Pushup position, keep that ass down, all the way to the floor, dipshit!” as he completed the twenty he owed. From there, I decided it would be best to let him have a few and proceeded to lose the next two games, yet do none of the pushups I owed.

Coming off his two victories, I suggested that we make it interesting and maybe play for a little cash, which at that point he was all for. He was saying shit like “You really don’t understand how good I am do you?” We put up ten bucks each, with him only holding 28 bucks total to his name. I lost the game on a coin flip J10 suited vs. pocket twos, but was running around in his head the entire time. When I was the little blind, I would fold a weak hand before he had even looked at his, and then start to act like I made a great read. “You gotta, stop doing that thing with your eyebrows dude, I can tell when you have those big hands.” He would scream back “What are you talking about, I didn’t even look at my cards yet?” Despite the statement we both knew to be true, I continually talked about the tell in his eyebrows that didn’t exist and he couldn’t comprehend that I was joking.

I went on to take my ten back, followed by him agreeing to up the stakes to twenty and losing there as well. Despite the clear truth that I am a heads up god, he refused to admit his failings as he walked out the door around six am with only 8 dollars which wouldn’t even buy him gas. That’s when I really turned it on and started telling him shit like “really good effort out there today, you just got real unlucky. It happens to the best of us.” He was begging my brother to borrow money, but chuck knew better than to basically hand it directly to me. That’s when I suggested “If you want, Ill put up the twenty bucks I took off you against those shoes.” He took the offer without ever even considering it, saying “what the hell do you want with my shoes?” That’s when my brother correctly asserted to Mr. Jackass “Don’t you see that it will be utter domination if you walk out of here with no shoes.” I concurred and the game began with him taking a chip lead on a draw I missed. A few hands later I had A-7 spades in the whole and put in a big raise which he called. The flop came J spades, 9 spades, 5 diamonds, and I bet out the size of the pot. He went all in overtop and I quickly called. He showed J-K, and was furious that I had called with my draw. Turn came eight, river came ace and I had beaten him with my pair of aces. I leaned on him for the rest of his chips and then changed into his shoes to model them for a hot minute in front of him and went to bed. At one point in the morning, his father had called wondering where he was, and from the end of the conversation that I hear he seemed somewhat irate with his son. I can only imagine what this kid said to explain the fact that he was coming home in the dead of winter wearing no shoes. Utter domination.

Shoeless Joe Jackass

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